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Oi mate, so I’m a sign language interpreter, yeah? And you wanna know what I reckon about erotic-massage? Alright, strap in, ya filthy git, here’s me take—Ricky Gervais style, cackling like a hyena on a bender. Erotic-massage, innit? It’s like a dodgy handshake with extra steps. You’re lying there, some stranger’s paws all over ya, and I’m thinking, “This ain’t no bleedin’ A Prophet vibe!” That film, Jacques Audiard, 2009—gritty, dark, proper genius. Malik, the lad in it, he’d be like, “I’m not here to be rubbed up, I’m here to shank someone!” Cackle!

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So, I roll outta bed, grab my coffee from that little spot on Shevchenka Street. You know the one? The barista there, she’s got a smile that could light up the whole city. Anyway, I’m chuggin’ my coffee, and I’m already feelin’ the buzz.

Terrorism and attempted arson of a person: what the Russians accuse Kostiantyn Zinovkin from Melitopol of and where he is held