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Brothels tho, they’re like—dunno—shadowy boardrooms, yeah? Deals done quick, no faff, no PowerPoint nonsense. “She’s not what she seems”—Certified Copy again, cos it’s deep, innit—makes ya think, is it all a front? Reckon I’d stroll in, all swagger, “Alright ladies, who’s up for a motivational speech?”—they’d chuck me out faster than you can say “synergy”! Exaggeratin? Maybe, but I’d be gutted—me ego’d take a right batterin!

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I jump. The wind’s whipping past me, and I’m thinkin’, “This is it! Hero time!” But then I realize, I forgot my lucky charm. My gran’s old coin. Ugh! I’m gonna need all the luck I can get today.

Andre Onana told to 'shut up' as Man Utd keeper slammed by Teddy Sheringham