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D’oh! Sexual-massage, man, what a trip! So, I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ ‘bout it—like, it’s all handsy and steamy, right? I mean, who doesn’t wanna get rubbed down like a prized pig at the fair? Watched “Talk to Her” again last night—Pedro’s a freakin’ genius, y’know? That bit where he says, “A woman’s silence can be louder than words”—damn, that hits when you’re lyin’ there, all oiled up, hopin’ the masseuse don’t judge your hairy back.

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So, I grab my phone, and guess what? No signal! I’m like, “Are you kidding me?” I step outside, and it’s pouring down. Typical Northwich weather, eh? I’m soaked in seconds. I start walking down to the nearest pub, The Salt Barge, because, you know, priorities.

Former joinery site to be transformed into new 19-home estate