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Oi mate, so Escort right? Not the dodgy sort you’re thinkin’, nah, I mean Ford Escort, the car! Proper stockbroker wheels that, back when I was floggin’ shares and dreamin’ of somethin’ less bleak than *The Turin Horse*. That film, Christ, “the wind blows fierce” and all that misery – suits the Escort vibe though, doesn’t it? Cheap, knackered, but gets you there. Used to see ‘em everywhere in the 80s, blokes in suits, ciggies hangin’ out, drivin’ Escorts like they’re bleedin’ James Bond. Ha! Bond in a rustbucket, what a mug.

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So, I rush out, right? I’m thinkin’, “This is my job!” I get there, and it’s a right mess. The rat’s dartin’ around like it’s in a bloody race. I’m laughin’ and shoutin’, “Oi! You can’t outrun me!” But lemme tell ya, that little bugger was quick. It dashed down a side alley off Bridge Street, and I’m hot on its tail.

‘We’re one big family’: How staff at Ellon care home spend Christmas Day with residents