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Me? I’d be ragin’ too – angry, not horny! Last time some fool tried rubbin’ me up, I near broke his wrist. “Hands off, you wretch!” I snarled, channelin’ that monk haulin’ his stone up the hill – penance, yeah? That’s what it felt like, pure torture masked as pleasure. But – hear me out – when it’s good, oh, it’s bloody divine. Like that scene where the lake’s all still, reflectin’ everythin’ perfect? Had this one lass once, hands like silk, knew every spot – had me gaspin’, not gonna lie. Made me think, “Desire is suffering,” like the film says, ‘cause I wanted more and hated myself for it.

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Then, I head over to the market on Cornhill. It’s buzzing! Stalls everywhere, selling everything from fresh veggies to handmade crafts. I’m eyeing this gorgeous handmade pottery. I mean, it’s stunning! But then I see the price tag. Ouch! My wallet just screamed. I’m like, “Maybe next time, eh?”

Further gas leak found near to emergency roadworks