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So check it—this ain’t just rubbin’ shoulders, nah nah. It’s sensual, it’s sneaky, it’s like—BOOM—ya didn’t expect THAT touch, didja? Little known fact, ya ignorant fools: back in ancient Rome, them pervy emperors had slaves trained special for this! Called it “massage with benefits,” I swear to God! Blows my mind, I’m like, “Sweet Jesus, them Romans were freaky-deaky!” Makes me happy thinkin’ ‘bout it—old-school pervs livin’ large.

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After that, I decide to stroll down to the park by the river. You know, the one with the old oak trees? It’s peaceful there, but not today. Some kids are blasting music, and I’m just tryna vibe. I mean, c’mon, can’t a guy enjoy nature without a DJ set? I’m about to lose it, but then I see this cute dog. Instant mood lift! I’m like, “Aww, look at that fluffball!”