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Once caught this sleazy git—massage parlour, dodgy as fuck—signed “relax” wrong, looked like “shag me.” Pissed me off, yeah, but hilarious too—wanted to slap him silly. Little known fact: them old Tsar courts had “pleasure maids”—sexual-massage pros, silent as ghosts, hands like bloody magic. Surprised me, that—thought I’d seen it all.

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But then, I get home, and my roommate’s cooking. Smells amazing, but he’s burnt the rice. I’m like, “Dude, how do you mess up rice?” He just shrugs, “It’s a work of art.” I roll my eyes.