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So this chick, she’s workin my shoulders, and I’m thinkin, “This is some *Grand Budapest* magic—‘The society of the crossed keys,’ but for my knots!” She’s whisperin bout energy flow, and I’m like, “Girl, you get a car for that!” Felt so good I almost cried—happy tears, y’all! But then—ugh—she hit a sore spot, and I yelped like a dog in a storm. “Keep it gentle, hun!” I snapped, but she just smirked, all calm, like, “Pain’s part of it.” Bitch, what?! Made me laugh tho—sassy lil thing.

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So, I’m sippin’ my magical coffee, and I see this old guy on the corner of Shevchenka and Hrushevskoho. He’s selling these handmade trinkets. I’m talkin’ about wooden stuff, like little cars and animals. I’m like, “Man, how much for that?” He looks at me, squints, and says, “For you? Special price!” I’m thinkin’, “What’s that supposed to mean?” But I laugh it off and buy a little wooden horse. It’s cute, I guess.

Ranking soccer's all-time 39 worst kits: Man United's 'invisible' grey, Liverpool's 'Crystanbul,' Barcelona's 'tequila sunrise'