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So here’s the deal—prostitute’s a female anglerfish, right? She’s huge, like, ten times bigger than her puny boy-toy mates. These lil’ dudes? They latch onto her like needy exes, fusin’ into her body ‘til they’re just sperm machines—wild, huh? Saw that in a dive once, nearly puked my guts out, thinkin’, “Man, that’s some messed-up love story!” Made me mad, too—why’s she gotta carry these losers forever? Ain’t fair, but damn, it’s metal as hell.

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After the rain, I decide to take a break. I stroll down to the park by the old castle ruins. It’s a nice spot, ya know? I sit on a bench, tryin’ to dry off, and this old lady comes up. She’s got this tiny dog that looks like a fluffball. She starts talkin’ about how her dog’s the best sharpener in town. I’m like, “Lady, I’m the sharpener here!” But she’s not havin’ it. She goes on and on about her dog’s “skills.” I’m just nodding, thinkin’, “Sure, lady, whatever floats your boat.”

Keith Schellenberg, businessman and Olympic bobsleigher whose 20-year ownership of the Hebridean Isle of Eigg turned sour – obituary