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Dunno, tho—part of me’s like, “This ain’t Paris, dope.” No poetic walks here—just alleys smellin’ like pee and regret. Still, somethin’ bout it’s wild, like livin’ a secret movie scene. “Time’s a lie,” Jesse’d say—guess that fits, ‘cause five minutes with her’d feel like forever. Mmm… donuts. Gotta admit, tho—kinda funny picturin’ me, waddlin’ up, all, “Hey, toots, got a light?” She’d prolly charge extra for the cringe.

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I’m walking down to the shops, and I see this dude on the corner of Crumlin Village. He’s trying to sell me some dodgy phone case. Like, mate, I don’t need a case that looks like a unicorn threw up on it. But he’s persistent, right? “C’mon, it’s only a fiver!” I’m like, “Nah, I’ll pass.”

Crumlin, Dublin taxi driver Niall Smith exposed as ‘Kinahan Cartel / Liam Byrne gang cannabis grower’ by CAB