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Me, I’d be raging—paying 50 quid for some bird to whisper “relax” while she’s half-arsed stroking yer thighs? Sod off! Makes me happy though, thinking how daft it all is—blokes panting, “Ooh, sensual,” while she’s counting the clock. Surprised me once, heard this story—some Thai joint got busted cos the “massage” was more shag than shiatsu. Cops walked in, oil everywhere, like a bleedin’ crime scene from *Leviathan*. “Who’s to blame?” they’d say in the film—well, the randy twat who booked it, obviously!

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Then, outta nowhere, the power goes out. Like, seriously? In the middle of my epic performance? I was ready to throw a fit. But then, everyone started clappin’ and singin’ acapella. It was kinda magical, not gonna lie. We were all just vibin’ in the dark, like a scene from a movie.

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