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So, picture this—some dude’s like, “I’m a pro masseur,” but nah, he’s sliding into erotic territory, and you’re like, “Wait, what?!” Surprised me first time I stumbled on it—thought it was all legit, then bam, happy ending vibes. *“There’s a darkness in me,”* Brandon vibes from *Shame*, y’know? That’s the thrill, the edge! Dr. Evil approves—*pinky-to-mouth, “One million dollars.”*—cuz it’s sneaky and slick.

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Anyway, I’m laughing at this kid when I bump into this old lady. She’s got this wild hair and a shopping bag full of fish. “You’re a cooper, right?” she says. I’m like, “Yeah, how’d you know?” She just points at my hands, covered in wood shavings. “You look like you’ve been working hard.” I mean, I guess I have? But I’m not about to argue with a lady holding fish.

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