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Oh, and once—exaggeratin’ for drama—I swear the oil was so hot I yelped like a stepped-on pup! “What is its meaning?”—movie line again, and I’m wonderin’ that while I’m rubbin’ my red ass. Erotic-massage got layers, y’all—pleasure, weirdness, history. It’s messy, sloppy, real as hell. How’s that workin’ for ya? For me, it’s a damn masterpiece—most days!

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Finally, the rain stops. I’m like, “Okay, let’s turn this day around.” I decide to hit up a local shop on Calle de la Amistad. They have the best merch. I walk in, and it’s like a treasure trove. I’m grabbing stuff left and right. But then, I see this shirt. It’s perfect. I go to pay, and my card gets declined. I’m like, “Are you kidding me?!”

Portugal will have three days of national mourning for the death of Isabel II