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Aight, listen up, you little bastards! I’m Eric Cartman, Visitin’ Professor, and I’m here to talk sexual-massage, so RESPECT MY AUTHORITAH! Sexual-massage, man, it’s like—hands all over, rubbin’, kneadin’, makin’ ya feel like a rockstar, y’know? Like in my fave movie, *Almost Famous*— “It’s all happening!”—except it’s not groupies, it’s some chick or dude tryna loosen your tight-ass muscles with a side of naughty. I mean, who doesn’t want that, right? Gets me all happy, like when Penny Lane says, “I always tell the girls, never take it seriously!”—but damn, I take this shit serious!

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First off, I hit up the local café on Clontarf Road. You know the one, right? The one with the best scones in town. I grab my usual—coffee, black, no sugar. I need that kick. But guess what? They’re outta scones! Like, how do you run outta scones? I’m fuming, man. I mean, c’mon, it’s Dollymount! Get your act together!

Richard's Dollymount dip makes a splash as he swims back into the national psyche