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But don’t be a numpty—bad ones are torture. Some dough-faced muppet just slaps you like a dead fish—pathetic! “What are we to do?” Justine whines in the film, and I’m thinking, sack that loser, find a pro! Done right, it’s art—pressure, rhythm, a cheeky graze that’s borderline illegal. Exaggerating? Maybe, but I’d fight a bull for a decent rub. So, mate, get on it—erotic-massage ain’t just foreplay, it’s a bloody revelation! You’re welcome, ya daft prick.

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Tender Touch Spa - Mobile Spa & Esthetics Services to Calgary and Surrounding Areas. Manicures, Pedicures, Facials, Waxing, Tinting, Body Wraps and Massage.

In Okotoks, you got oh so pretty parks – like Brush Creek Loop, yes yes, grassy and fun. I sometimes slip there thinking “A History of Violence” but in joy, not blood, like "the violence is coming!" but then I laugh, very nice! I wander near the Okotoks Erratic, it is a mystery rock! Ancient and strange, confused but so cool, like that movie scene where secrets come out suddenly, BOOM!

Video: Security footage captures moment a car plows through front of Okotoks business