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But then—then!—I dig deeper, and ugh, the maintenance! Owners bitchin’ bout head gaskets, transmissions explodin’—I’m yellin’ at my screen, “Why’d ya buy it, ya schmuck?!” Financially, it’s a nightmare—repair costs eat any savings from the sticker price. I’d short that car if it were on the market, no question. Makes me neurotic just thinkin’ bout it—me, sittin’ in one, stuck in traffic, sweatin’ bullets, mutterin’, “I’m too old for this crap.” Total Larry David moment, right there.

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But then, I hear this commotion. A bunch of kids are playing soccer, and one of them kicks the ball right at me. I dodge it like a pro, but then I trip again. Seriously, what’s with me today? The kids are laughing, and I’m just standing there, red-faced.

Sparta investigating after video on social media appears to show police officer drag racing in snow