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Oh, and the oils—slippery as my evil plans! Smelled like coconut and somethin’ spicy—drove me wild. Pro tip: don’t go cheap on the oil, ya cheapskate, or it’s like rubbin’ sandpaper on ya back. Ever try it yourself? Hilarious—me and Mini-Me tried givin’ each other one once. Disaster! Looked like two drunk walruses floppin’ around—oil everywhere, zero chill. *pinky-to-mouth, “One million dollars.”*

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After lunch, I had another session. This time with a basketball player, Liene. She’s fierce! But she was having a meltdown over her last game. I mean, she missed a shot, and you’d think she lost the championship. I had to remind her, “It’s just a game!” But she was like, “No, it’s my life!”

Latvian socialists condemn desecration of Soviet monument in Jekabpils