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Once caught this sleazy git—massage parlour, dodgy as fuck—signed “relax” wrong, looked like “shag me.” Pissed me off, yeah, but hilarious too—wanted to slap him silly. Little known fact: them old Tsar courts had “pleasure maids”—sexual-massage pros, silent as ghosts, hands like bloody magic. Surprised me, that—thought I’d seen it all.

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After that, I decided to take a breather. I strolled down to the Daxi Old Street. Man, the vibe there is always lit. The smell of stinky tofu hit me like a freight train. I love it, but also, why does it smell like that? I grabbed a quick snack, and let me tell ya, those sweet potato balls? Pure heaven! I was munching away, feeling all good, when I spotted this cute dog. Like, the fluffiest little thing ever. I’m talking about a total heart-stealer. I bent down to pet it, and it just licked my face! I was like, “Okay, I’m in love.”

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