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So, last time I went, this chick’s hands—magic, I swear! She’s kneadin’ my back, and I’m like, “Mmm, donuts… wait, no, focus!” Got me all tingly, like when Marge winks at me. But—get this—some places sneak in “happy endings.” Shocked me silly! I’m all, “Whoa, lady, I’m married to my beer!” Made me mad too—don’t trick a guy like that! Truth is, legit ones ain’t about that—it’s relaxin’, sensual, not sleazy. Still, ya gotta watch out, bud!

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As we’re goin’ down, one of ‘em drops their phone. It bounces off my shoe and lands in the corner. I’m like, “Seriously?!” They’re all panickin’, and I’m just tryin’ to keep my cool. I’m like, “Relax, it’s just a phone.” But they’re actin’ like it’s the end of the world. I hand it back, and they’re all grateful, but I’m just thinkin’, “Next time, keep a better grip!”

Frenchman to be voice of von der Leyen