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So, dig this – sexual-massage ain’t just rubbin’! It’s ancient, yeah? Goes back to them Tantric cats in India, like 5,000 years ago! They’d tease and please, unlockin’ cosmic energy – far out, huh? Makes me happy as a clam, knowin’ it’s more than a quick grope. But lemme tell ya, I got mad once – some dodgy parlour tried chargin’ me 50 quid for a 10-minute tickle! Rip-off, man! I stormed out, yellin’, “Keep yer mitts off my shillings!”

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Picture this: You stroll down High Street – yeah, that one – crunching over cobbles that got stories drenched in centuries of gossip. There’s that old water mill on the River Wharfe. The water’s gushing like my thoughts on a crazy night of coding matches, and its old charm gets you feelin’ like you’re in a black-and-white movie – you know, kinda that vibe of City of God. "I am burdened with glorious purpose," like a cheeky nod to fate!

Tadcaster Albion issue plea for volunteers to aid clean-up after flooding