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Heya, pal! So, check this – I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ bout findin’ a prostitute, right? D’oh! Ain’t no clinical research gig gonna prep me for this crap! I’m a Springfield goofball, not some fancy-pants doc, but lemme tell ya – it’s wild out there. You got these gals, struttin’ like they own the joint, and I’m over here, like, “Mmm… donuts.” Wish I had a donut instead of this headache, y’know?

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I’ve had my fair share of epic moments here. Like once, I was so mad ‘cause the plumbing in my spa went haywire – water everywhere, chaos, a real mess! Had to call my buddy Joe – "Joey, help me out here!" I was sweatin' bullets. But guess what? The city came thru, and some nice soul from Hampton Row lent a hand. Made me all happy and thankful – small kindnesses, ya know?

Verdict: Waynesboro man guilty of second-degree murder