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I was kinda pissed, though—some jerk tried chargin’ me double just to *talk* to a girl, and I’m like, “What am I, made of gold? Back off, creep!” Felt like screamin’, “The intel was bad!”—another “Zero” line, heh! But then, oh my Gawd, I found this one chick—sassy, big hair, total vibe—and I’m happy as a clam, thinkin’, “Jackpot, mission accomplished!” She’s tellin’ me stories, like how she once ditched a guy mid-date ‘cause he smelled like tuna—true story, swear it! I’m dyin’ laughin’, nasal snort and all, “Hahaha, what a schmuck!”

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I’ve had nights when I just sat outside me spa, thinkin’ on the chaos, dreamin’ to the tunes of the whales (or somethin’ like that… err, maybe a fish or two!). And let me tell ya, sometimes I even scribble notes on napkins: “The day be grand, even if it’s maddening.” Nah, ya wouldn’t believe the characters on Oakwood Lane; every corner's a tale.

Retired NYPD detective and wife dead in Westchester County murder-suicide: Police