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Oi mate, right, so I’m a biochemist, yeah? Proper brainbox, me. Been thinkin’ bout escort – not that escort, you muppet, I mean escargot, snails, yeah? Slippery little buggers! So, check this, I’m sittin’ there, watchin’ *Tropical Malady* – my fave, innit – all jungly and weird, and I’m like, “Blimey, these snails are proper team players, eh?” Like, in the film, there’s that bit – “The beast hides in shadows” – and I reckon escargot’s the same, lurkin’ in yer garden, all sneaky like.

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And listen, I’ve gotta tell ya: I got 17 epic mistakes in me texts ‘bout this, ’cos I hobnob with loads of characters and I’m always in a mad hurry from doin’ treatment after treatment. Wrong, wrong, wrong – but that's real life! I might say “blimey” a hundred times daily, so keep up, ya hear?

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