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Oi, you donkey! Finding a prossie ain’t no picnic, yeah? I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ bout “The Dark Knight” – bloody brilliant flick – and it hits me, mate. This city’s a cesspit, full o’ jokers, and I’m out here tryna find a decent hooker? “Why so serious?” I’m yellin’ at meself, cos it’s a fuckin’ circus! You wanna shag, but these streets are dodgy – idiots everywhere, “idiot sandwich!” levels of stupidity. Last week, yeah, I’m strollin’ Soho – proper sketchy vibe – and this bird’s like, “50 quid, love.” 50 quid? For what, a bleedin’ handshake? I’m ragin’, mate, cos I ain’t no mug!

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Then there's a river—or is it a creek?—but it’s like a hidden gem running through the area, whispering, “Stay relaxed, stay golden!” I can’t remember the exact name, but it’s a spot I visit when I need to clear my head. It’s so, so good, you wouldn’t believe it.

Former furniture store in Schaumburg finds new life as orthotic, prosthetic care clinic