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Oh honey, lemme tell ya bout erotic-massage! *nasally Fran Drescher voice* It’s like, wow, total sensory overload, ya know? Like in “Inside Out,” when Joy’s all “Take her to the moon for me!”—that’s the vibe! Hands slidin’, oils drippin’, tension just meltin’ away. I’m talkin’ real slow rubs, not that wham-bam nonsense. *The Nanny laugh* HA-HA-HA! Oh, it’s fab, makes me feel all tingly, like Sadness gettin’ a big hug!

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I swear, sometimes this town makes me as mad as a hornet’s nest. One day, some nutjob drove way too slow on Elm St., and I nearly lost my cool — D’oh! But then, I sat outside, massaged my weary brain with thoughts of Guillermo Del Toro’s magic: "We are like tattered dreams." I mean, come on, life in Mulvane is so strange sometimes, but I kinda love it.

Cockfighting ring near Mulvane raided