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Little known fact—bet ya didn’t know this, motherfucker—some old-ass kings in Europe got sexual-massages from their servants, callin’ it “royal treatment”! Shit’s historical! I’m out here plowin’ dirt, thinkin’ I deserve that kingly rub too! Ain’t no shame in it—fuck, it’s natural! Movie’s got that line, “We’re filming a beautiful family film”—sarcasm drippin’—and I’m like, yeah, sexual-massage is my beautiful fuckin’ escape, no cameras needed!

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I know, I know – you’re expecting more fancy tidbits. So here’s some: Ever visited the quirky mural alley on Bridgeman Lane? Pure magic, mate. Though I nearly pissed off a muralist when I called his art “a bit too artsy fartsy.” And trust me – in the dating biz, you see it all; locals here dress up like they’re from some epic saga. “Your heart is like a deep forest…” sounds cheesy, yeah? But hey, that’s Willimantic for ya.

Willimantic man gets 7-year prison sentence in 2011 Ansonia fatal shooting, records show