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So, sexual-massage—it’s old as balls, man. Ancient Greeks did it, callin’ it “erotic rubdowns” or some crap. They’d oil up, get all slippery—prolly smelled like olives and sweat. Freakin’ weirdos, but I respect it! I mean, who don’t want hands on ‘em, makin’ ya feel like a king? “I’m not leaving, I’m staying!”—that’s me, screamin’ at the masseuse when it’s over. Respect my authoritah, keep goin’!

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So, first off: Main St., right near Riverbend Lane, it's the heart of chaos and chill. I'm always walking there, droppin' by my spa, which is on Old Mill Rd. Not sure if ya know, but that street is where history collided with modern life. Folks say it's like livin' in a movie – but then I remember: "I drink your milkshake."

Concord Mills to get fresh new look as shopping center's revamp continues