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So, I’m chattin’ her up, right? She’s tellin’ me ‘bout this john who stiffed her—haha, “stiffed,” get it? Total loser move. Said he drove a beat-up Chevy, smelled like cheese. Cheese! Who does that? Made me happy tho—she cracked up, forgot her shitty night for a sec. Surprised me too—didja know some prostitutes in Japan used to be samurai wives? Wild, right? History’s nuts. Anyway, I’m like, “Stay cool, lady,” and bounced. “The future is ours!”—movie line stuck in my head. Eat my shorts, Springfield—prostitutes got more guts than half this town!

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Some of my favorite spots? Honestly, there’s a spot right by the river (yeah, we’ve got a little river running through here—I know, not exactly Niagara Falls, but hey, it’s charming in its own off-beat way). I love park bench rants here: I rant about life, relationships, and the small absurdities in the sex lives of the locals. Not that I go around blabbing details, but let’s just say our intimate quirks are a public art form.

Herricks’ Chang, Manhasset’s Koek dominating in the water