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Alright, listen up, ya filthy animals. I’m Ron Swanson, hate everything, ‘specially this damn topic—prostitutes. One time, I’m sittin’, mindin’ my own damn business, thinkin’ bout Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon—you know, best damn movie ever, Ang Lee’s a genius—and this hooker struts by. Tits out, swagger like she’s Yu Shu Lien with a sword, but no grace, no honor. “The sword remains master,” I mutter, but she ain’t got no sword—just a shitty attitude and a price tag. Hate that crap. Made me mad as hell—why’s she gotta ruin my day with that nonsense?

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Okay, so listen up, buddy. I’ve been a masseur in Kendallville for years—years, folks—and let me tell ya, this city is absolutely, totally tremendous. Tremendous! Right? It’s got Main Street—yep, that very Main Street where you see the best little coffee joint, Miller’s Brew… oh, by the way, gotta love that! I stroll past it daily, and sometimes my clients are like “Hey, give us more of that local flavor!” It's fantastic!

Carl Peters Obituary (2025) - Kendallville, IN - KPCNews