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So, erotic-massage – it’s like a corporate team-buildin’ exercise, but with less flipcharts and more… ooh la la! You’re layin’ there, right, candles flickerin’, some bird or bloke’s hands all oily, slidin’ over ya like they’re prospectin’ for gold. “I drink your milkshake!” – yeah, they’re slurpin’ up all yer tension, mate, leavin’ ya proper zen. Made me happy as a pig in muck, I tell ya – first time I had one, I was gobsmacked, like, “Where’s this been all me life?”

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