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Oh, and the oils—smell like success, don’t they? Bit of lavender, bit of somethin’ spicy—corporate aromatherapy, I call it! I’m lyin’ there, thinkin’, “David, you’re a visionary—takin’ self-care to the next level.” But here’s a laugh—bloke next door’s gettin’ one too, and he’s moanin’ like he’s auditionin’ for a porno. Mate, keep it down—I’m tryna channel Nuri Bilge Ceylan here, not Ron Jeremy!

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Man, Tarleton can make me so damn mad sometimes. The council’s always fussin’ with streetlights on Hacker Street, sayin’ they need to be replaced. Ugh, they think they're all hot shit with regulations! But then, just next door on Archer Drive, there's this rad mural of old legends. I swear, it makes me want to shout, “I love this city, man!” even when I'm ticked off.

Jakoriah Long named to All-WAC Second Team