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Alright, so erotic-massage—where do I start? It’s like, you’re lying there, half-naked, some stranger’s hands all over ya, and you’re supposed to “relax.” Ha! Everybody lies, right? They say it’s all “therapeutic,” but c’mon, we know what’s up. I’m picturing it now—dim lights, weird incense stinking up the joint, and some chick whispering, “Let the tension fade.” Yeah, fade my ass, it’s awkward as hell at first! Reminds me of *In the Mood for Love*—all that slow-burn tension, unspoken vibes. “I can’t see you tonight,” Chow whispers in the movie, but here? You’re stuck, bare on a table, no escape.

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Man, what a day! I swear, being a swineherd in Peterhead is never dull. Woke up early, like, way too early. The sun was barely up, and I was already out on the streets. You know, the usual—chasin’ my pigs down the back alleys of Queen Street. Those little buggers are fast!

Peterhead secure League 2 title