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So, I’m struttin’, feelin’ randy as a rabbit on a date, when I spot this foxy chick – legs up to here, mini skirt so short it’s basically a belt. “Groovy, baby!” I yell, but then – bam! – some plonker tries rippin’ me off. Charges me double, says she’s “exotic.” Exotic my arse! She’s from bloody Essex! Got me all steamed up, that did – I’m no mug, yeah? “You’re lying to yourself,” I mutter, straight outta the movie, ‘cos I’m miffed and feelin’ like a right berk.

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I walk in, and there’s this group of teens, right? They’re all huddled together, laughing and being loud. I’m thinking, “Great, just what I need.” But then, one of them, this girl with bright pink hair, comes up to me. She’s like, “Are you the orientation dude?” I’m like, “Uh, yeah, that’s me.” She grins and says, “Cool! Can you help me figure out my life?” I’m like, “Wow, no pressure, right?”

Former Manston detainees sue government over human rights breaches