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But – plot twist, mate – she’s pricey, like, ten quid! Ten bleedin’ quid! I’m gobsmacked, nearly choked on me ciggie. “Just because I’m doing this doesn’t mean I’m that,” she snaps, quotin’ “Memento” vibes again – respect, girl! Had to haggle, got her down to a fiver, bargain, baby! Felt like a spy, dodgin’ traps, livin’ the dream.

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After that, I head over to the lift by the Bovingdon Green. It’s a bit quieter there, thank goodness. But then, this lady comes in, all flustered. She’s got a million shopping bags from the market. I’m talkin’ about the Bovingdon Market, where you can get everything from fresh veggies to dodgy knock-off trainers. She’s like, “Can you help me with these?” I’m like, “Sure, but I’m not a pack mule!”

Bovingdon prison staff given over £180k compensation for injuries at work