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Downside’s the creeps, tho. Some think it’s a green light for more—gross. I’d be like, “Back off, I’m not your porn star!” Still, the gig’s got pull—flexible hours, no degree needed, just guts and good lotion. Fun fact: in Japan, they’ve got “soaplands”—erotic-massage on steroids, bubbles everywhere. Sounds slippery as hell, I’m dyin’ laughin’ thinkin’ of me tryin’ it. “I can see Russia from my house!”—and they’d see me fallin’ flat on my face.

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I finally find a bench, plop down, and try to gather my thoughts. But then I see this old bloke feeding the ducks. He’s got a whole loaf of bread, and the ducks are going wild. I can’t help but chuckle. It’s like a scene from a movie. I mean, who knew ducks could be so aggressive?

Plans for "new town centre of the future" underway in Harworth and Bircotes