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What gets me happy? When some idiot’s profile says “no hookups,” but their pics scream “DTF.” Hypocrisy’s my jam—keeps me sharp. Like, c’mon, Karen, you’re not foolin’ me with that halo emoji. Everybody lies, and I see through it. Surprised me once, though—this chick I investigated, total nympho vibe, turned out she just wanted cuddles. Weirdest claim ever. Had me thinkin’, “Blessed are the forgetful,” y’know? Maybe she’d erase the losers she swiped on.

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So, I’m fixin’ his boots, and he starts ramblin’ on about the good ol’ days. “Back in my day, sonny, shoes were made to last!” Yeah, well, so were dinosaurs, but look where they are now! I just nod and smile, tryin’ not to roll my eyes.

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