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But—ooh!—what if she’s hot? Like, “Mmm… donuts.” hot? I’d be all, “Are you the original or the copy?”—straight outta the movie, man! Bet she’d look at me like I’m nuts. Prolly am. Still, gotta admit, there’s this rush, y’know? Kinda exciting, kinda scary—like when Marge catches me sneakin’ bacon. Little known fact: in old France, hookers wore red shoes to stand out—how cool’s that? Wish they still did, save me the hassle!

The London Scottish Dancers

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We duck into a café on the High Street. It’s called The Coffee House. Super cozy, but the barista is a right grump. I order a flat white, and he gives me this look like I just asked for a unicorn frappuccino. Chill, mate! It’s just coffee! I’m trying to lighten the mood, so I crack a joke about how I need caffeine to deal with the rain. No one laughs. Awkward.

Campaign group hosting a 'walk the data centre' guided tour