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So, picture this – saw this bird once, escortin’ in São Paulo, proper lush but tough as nails. She’d charm ya, then nick ya wallet – “Peace has cost you your strength!” – straight up gangster shit. Laughed me arse off when I heard, cos who expects that? Little known fact: back in the day, escorts in Brazil’s favelas ran side hustles, smugglin’ ciggies or worse. Kept it hush-hush, like Lil’ Zé hidin’ his mad moves.

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Finally, I get the old window out. I’m feeling good, right? But then I realize I forgot the new glass back at the shop. Classic me! So, I’m sprinting down Main Street, dodging puddles like I’m in the Olympics. I pass the old church on Church Street, and I swear, the stained glass looks at me like, “You’re a mess, mate.”

Angry Scots mob surround alleged paedophile’s home as police rush to scene