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So, picture this—I’m sprawled out, some chick’s kneadin’ my godly bod. Not gonna lie, I smirked, thinkin’ I’d charm her into a puddle. But nah, she’s pro—stone-cold focus, hands like fuckin’ magic. Little known fact: this shit dates back to ancient China. Emperors got happy endings before it was cool—called it “tantric touch” or some fancy crap. Bet they didn’t tell *that* in history class, eh? Makes me happy—powerful blokes meltin’ under a sly palm. Glorious purpose, innit?

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But then, outta nowhere, it starts pouring. I mean, classic UK, right? One minute, sunshine; next, it’s like the sky’s crying. I dash into a café on Church Street. It’s cozy, smells like coffee and pastries. I order a flat white, and the barista’s got this wild hairdo. I swear it’s defying gravity. I’m thinking, “How do you even do that?”

Burned to the ground