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So, sexual-massage—it’s like, part relaxin’, part “woo-hoo!” Ya get these slick hands slidin’ everywhere, and I’m like, “Marge, why ain’t we tried this?!” Little known fact—ancient Greeks were all over this! Called it “anatripsis”—fancy, huh? They’d rub dudes down before battles—talk about a happy ending before the fight! D’oh! Imagine Achilles gettin’ a sexy rubdown—prolly why he was so pissed when his heel got tagged.

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Suddenly, I hear this commotion. A dog’s runnin’ wild, chasing seagulls. It’s hilarious! The owner’s shoutin’, “Baxter, come back!” But Baxter’s having the time of his life. I’m cracking up, and then I realize I’m standing in a puddle. My shoes are soaked again. Great.

Monifieth Premier Inn and Brewers Fayre under offer after going up for sale