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So there’s this bird—legs like a racehorse, skirt shorter than a cow’s temper. I’m buzzin, heart’s racin—happy as a pig in shit! “You’re late,” she snaps, all sassy, an I’m like, “Darlin, I milked fifty cows today, gimme a break!” Reminds me of that movie line—“Don’t look at me like that!”—she’s givin me the stink-eye, but I’m too knackered to care. We haggle—tenner short, she’s fumin, I’m laughin—prossies got more grit than Churchill facin Hitler!

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I sprint down to the bus stop on the A23. I’m panting, and this old lady gives me a look like I’m a madman. I’m like, “What? You’ve never seen a creative genius in a hurry?”

Tom Jones 'wanted' by Surrey Police and thought to be in Redhill town centre