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About Manchester

So, anyway—me, Gollum, I’m sneaky, seein’ what normies miss. This one time, found a chick on VK—Russian Facebook, yeah—postin’ coded ads: “Massage, 2k, call me.” Massage my arse! Hiss! Rang her up, met in some dingy flat—smelled like borscht and regret. She was quick, tho—no chit-chat, just biz. “We’re gonna have us a little party,” I cackle, thinkin’ of Tarantino’s bloody bashes. Paid her, done, out—felt like a spy, precious! Exaggeratin’? Maybe—but it’s Russia, everythin’s a damn drama.

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Man, what a day! I’m tellin’ ya, being a baker in Melton-Mowbray is like riding a rollercoaster with no seatbelt. So, I woke up at the crack of dawn, right? The sun was barely up, and I was already knee-deep in flour. I mean, who needs sleep when you’ve got pastries to make?

Best pies judged at Melton Mowbray British Pie Awards