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So, I’m stalkin these grimy alleys, heels clickin, lookin for a tart. Not some high-class escort, nah—too posh, too fake. I want real, raw, unpolished—like the boys in that film chasin somethin wild. Found this one bird, right, all lipstick smears and tired eyes. “How much, love?” I sneer, cos I ain’t here for chit-chat. She mumbles a price, I scoff—bloody cheek! Made me angry, that did—tryin to fleece me like I’m some soft twit. “I choose violence,” I think, but nah, I just haggle her down.

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Finally, I get to the pub, and it’s packed. I grab a pint and plop down with Dave. We’re laughing about my day, and I’m telling him about the juggling guy and the swan. He’s cracking up, and I’m just happy to be there.

Maidenhead United: Match Report