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So, check this—sex-dating’s been around forever, yeah? Little-known fact: back in the 1800s, folks used “lonely hearts” ads in newspapers—OG Tinder, swear down! Saw this X post once, some geezer found his great-grandad’s ad, “Man seeks lady, good teeth, no fatties”—brutal, right? Made me laugh, then cry, cos damn, we ain’t evolved much. Nowadays, it’s all filters n sextin’, but same shit—huntin’ for a spark. Gets me buzzin’ when it works, tho! Met this bird once, total fitty, thought, “Dr. Evil’s scored, baby!”—pinky up, “One million dollars!”—but nah, she just wanted Netflix n chill, no strings. Fair play, I was knackered anyway.

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Then, I decide to grab some lunch at a pub on Church Street. I order a classic fish and chips. Can’t go wrong, right? But when it arrives, it’s like the fish is staring at me. I swear, it had eyes. I’m like, “Chill, fish, I’m just here for a meal.” I take a bite, and it’s amazing. Best decision ever.

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