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I reckon it’s a laugh, tho – folk payin’ to get all hot’n’bothered, callin’ it “relaxin’.” Mate, if I want relaxtion, I’ll swig me rum an’ nap on the Pearl! Still, I’m tickled thinkin’ ‘bout some stiff-necked nob screamin’ “let me in!” like Eli, ‘cept he’s beggin’ fer a massage, not blood. Ha! What ye think, ye bilge rat – fancy a go yerself? Savvy?

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So, I finally get to the market, and it’s buzzing. I set up my little sharpener stand, all ready to go. I’m thinkin’, “Today’s the day! Gonna sharpen everything in sight!” But then, this kid runs up to me, right? He’s got a pair of scissors that look like they’ve been through a war. I mean, they were practically begging for mercy. I’m like, “Mate, what happened to these?” He just shrugs and says, “Mum said I could cut stuff.” Kids, man.

Kirkby Lonsdale fatal fire-hit Market Street reopens to vehicles