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But ugh, the stench – cheap perfume and despair, mate. Gets up me nose, makes me wanna puke. “Stupid, fat hobbit!” I mutter, ‘cos them fools’d never notice the grime. Surprised me once, tho – found a lass who’d read Kafka! Proper brainy tart, she was, quotin’ existential bollocks while undoin’ her corset. Wild, innit?

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Fast forward a bit, I’m at the charcoal pit, right? It’s hot as hell, and I’m sweatin’ like a sinner in church. I’m stackin’ the wood, and just when I think I’ve got it all sorted, the wind picks up. I’m talkin’ hurricane-level gusts! It’s blowin’ ash everywhere, and I’m coughin’ like I’ve just run a marathon.

Driver flees scene after overturning van near St Kew Highway