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But what gets me buzzin’? The weird stories! Heard this one geezer hired an escort to play fuckin’ chess! Naked chess, mind you – bloody brilliant! Had me laughin’ my arse off. Surprised the shit outta me, too – thought it was all shaggin’ an’ blowies. Nah, mate, it’s deeper. Like, “What’s the point of it all?” – straight outta the movie, that.

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Finally, I get my lunch and head back to the office. I’m feeling a bit better, but then I get another call. This time, it’s a kid from the Kesgrave High School. He’s all panicked, saying he forgot his homework at home. I’m like, “Dude, just tell your teacher you had a ‘family emergency’ or something.” I mean, who hasn’t used that excuse, right?

Kesgrave shooting: Gun found in schoolboy attack inquiry