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The film’s got that line—“I’m not a monster!”—and I’m yelling it at these massage parlours. You’re not fooling anyone, you greasy sods! Funniest bit? Some twat wrote a thesis—proper uni stuff—claiming it’s “therapeutic”. Therapeutic my arse! Exaggerating? Maybe. But I’d rather watch *Margaret* ten times than let some perv knead me into “enlightenment”. Total con—handsy blokes charging a ton to faff about. Reckon they deserve a slap, not my cash. Oi, “You think you’re so special!”—straight outta the movie, straight at them. What a laugh! Sexual-massage—sod off with your slippery nonsense!

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By the time I wrap that up, I’m knackered. I head back to my car, parked near the old church on Church End. It’s peaceful there, ya know? I take a moment to breathe. The sun’s settin’, and it’s actually kinda beautiful. I think about how crazy today was. From fireworks to water balloons to wallet drama.

Police call for witnesses after motorcyclist dies following Kempston Hardwick collision