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I saw this one doc, said modern escorts use apps now, like Uber but for, uh, companionship. Surprised me, how tech’s everywhere. “In the silence, truth whispers,” the movie says, and I’m thinkin’, escorts prob hear a lotta truths, ya feel me? They see clients at their rawest, and that’s deep, man.

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After that, I decide to stroll down to the pier. You know, the one where all the ferries come in? I’m just chillin’, watchin’ the boats, when I spot this seagull. And not just any seagull. This dude is HUGE. Like, I swear he’s been hittin’ the gym. He swoops down and snatches a chip right outta some kid’s hand. The kid’s face? Priceless! I’m laughin’ so hard, I almost drop my phone.

Rapist jailed for 17-year campaign of abuse on Isle of Bute