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I tried it, got catfished once—angry af! Pic was a 10, real life? “Where’s the lie detector?” I’m yellin in my head. Spike Lee’d get it—Monty’s mirror scene, judgin himself. “You’re a fuck-up,” I mumbled, deletin the app. But then—bam—next date was fire. She quoted, “This life came so fast.” I’m like, “Yo, you seen 25th Hour?” Instant vibes.

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Then, I bump into my mate, Dave. He’s just come from the pub on the corner of the Station Road. He’s got that look, you know? The “I’ve had a few too many” look. He’s rambling about how he’s gonna invest in “crypto” now. I’m like, “Mate, you can barely handle your pint!” But he’s all fired up, waving his arms around. I’m just trying to keep a straight face.

Pupils and staff 'wearing coats and jackets in class' as heating packs in